Days of Gratitude, Day 13: I’m Glad I’m Me

little meThis is me.  Well, it was me, three days ago.  It was a blustery Friday morning and I was at work.  The sun was shining and though it was cold outside, the rays of light warmed my face.

Yes, this is how I dress for work.  Silly, right?  I kinda dress like this all the time because I like to.  I enjoy looking rather silly, like a giant kid, because that’s what I feel I am in my heart and mind.

I’ve always felt that way, but struggled to express it outwardly because I was afraid of being judged.  I didn’t want to be told how ridiculous I looked.  I didn’t want to be made fun of.  I got enough of that when I was a real kid, now I’m 42 and I look like I’m going on 4.  I’m this screaming metalhead who plays folk metal and sings about barbarians and conquests and the dark, personal struggles we all face.

This was my personal struggle.

One day I quit caring.  There’s a backstory to that which I have written about and one day, I may tell it here.  For now, though what it amounts to is that one day I stopped giving a fuck and decided to own myself, and it was the best decision I’ve made in a very long time.

You see, while I may look silly, and while the sight of a huge tattooed metalhead dressed like an oversized toddler might be disconcerting for some folks, I’m happy.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror.  I like the person I am becoming, and the more that cycle continues, the less insecure I feel about being outwardly little.  I own it, and because I do, it’s acknowledged.

All day Friday, I got over 20 compliments on my hat, from customers to people I passed on the sidewalk or at the gas station.  One person at a delivery even offered to buy it off of me.  Ha!  Not a chance.  The hat is literally the centerpiece of my presentation, that which outwardly expresses the person I am inside.  For once in my life I have a profound sense of harmony, one that helps me appreciate the good things and negotiate that which is not so good.  I haven’t been able to say this very often or with a lot of sincerity, but now, I feel I can:

I’m glad I’m me, and grateful to have finally come to that.

 

 

 

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